“For so many years I felt the effects of sexual violence without knowing that that’s what they were. I did such a thorough job of silencing myself as a survivor, I convinced myself that I just wasn’t tough enough.” Sydney found herself using unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as overworking, excessive drinking, and overeating, which led her to develop Type II diabetes. “For years I thought I had to change my body in order to feel comfortable in it, but now I know that I don’t have to wait for anything to start loving my body.”
As Sydney reclaimed other parts of her life, she has rebuilt her confidence. “I don’t feel ashamed and disgusted with myself anymore. This is just part of my story, and I want to be able to tell that story.”
For years, Sydney has lived with panic attacks as a result of the assault. At first, she didn’t know what they were. Now that she understands what will usually cause them and the signs one might be starting, she has found ways to avoid them and ways to deal with them when they do occur.
Sydney was a high-achieving student, on track to go to medical school. But the trauma of the assault distracted her from her studies. “I blamed it on myself. There are so many dreams that go unrealized because in a state of trauma we think we can’t do it. We need to seriously consider the cost of sexual violence in terms of missed potential.”
For the last eight months, Sydney and her husband have been traveling around the country as part of her speaking tour. In 2019, Sydney shared her story with 64 audiences at REI stores, universities, and business groups. She speaks to groups around the nation to share her story and educate people on how individuals and communities can work together to end sexual violence, and how survivors can find healing in the outdoors.
“Of course, I wake up every day and choose to do this work, but it feels more like a calling—like something I have to do. When I was suffering in silence and isolation for a decade, hearing someone share their story would have changed my life for the better. Today, I choose to be that person for other survivors, the one who lets them know they aren’t alone. And every time I get to share my story with one survivor or a room of 100+, I heal a bit, too.”
Sydney’s advice to other survivors is to not compare their trauma. “In sharing our stories, the most important thing is not to compare our experiences. The worst things that happened to us might be different, but they’re still the worst things that we’ve been through. Even while hearing stories that are different from mine, I can still identify the language of what happened to me.”
Hiking and spending time in nature have been important parts of Sydney’s healing — not only as healthy coping mechanisms, but symbolic in her healing journey. “When I was finally alone with my thoughts and the sounds of the forest, my healing truly began. For survivors who feel like they’re just not getting anywhere, turn around and look at how far you’ve come. You survived it, you’re here.”
Sydney shares her healing journey and more advice for survivors in her new book, Hiking My Feelings: Stepping Into the Healing Power of Nature. She will be going on a book tour in 2020 and is hosting nature-based retreats for survivors and those healing from trauma that will particularly focus on communities who haven’t felt safe or represented in the outdoors.
“When I stand on mountains and feel the wind on my face, I can’t help but imagine that it carries my worries away with it. Being out in nature helps me remember my place in this world and allows me to focus on how much beauty there is to experience in life.”
Note: For 10% off Sydney’s book, enter discount code "RAINN."