Lexi’s Story

Lexi-Ulla is a writer of poetry and a survivor of spousal rape.

Lexi first disclosed her abuse to a friend which was cathartic, unburdening, and relieving. It made Lexi feel less alone and she explains that the experience in disclosing was like “emerging from a remote virgin wilderness with exhilarating sight of human existence - or shall I say, encountering a single human being. It gently broke my (rather than jarringly shattering it when divulgence proved to undermine trust, be counterproductive, in the unfolding, in subsequent interactions) unbearably smothering, stifling - deathly - inner world.”

Along with processing the emotions that come with disclosing to a trusted friend and the shock that lingers on, Lexi reflected on the thoughts that followed.

“I processed it in regards to how this happened to me. I was processing how my spouse could have done this to me. I was going through a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil - anger, hurt, guilt, and dark emotions. I think that you have to go through that - in trying to come to terms with it all - within yourself. I had to delve in myself and be inner oriented. It took me time.”

As Lexi shared what her process was like before, while, and after disclosing, she shared advice to survivors who are considering whether to come forward with their story too.

 

“Don’t feel like you have to rush into sharing with others. I think that you should be selective in who you share with, and that’s not always an easy thing because how do you know if you can trust people? What happened to me really destroyed my trust in other people. To be able to trust someone with my story is extremely daunting…and I do think it's better to be on the cautious side because I have had times where I shared and regretted it…so I think with time and comfortability, when you do decide to share…it can have a tremendous healing impact.”

Going within and looking at oneself really helped Lexi along the way. In looking at the inner self, Lexi shared what was additionally helpful in her healing.

“I wrote a lot. After this happened to me, I went on a writing rampage. I love poetry and I wrote a lot of poetry; I wrote really long poems. Writing and reflecting back on everything, on myself, on what happened, was really the first healing experience I had.”

For survivors out in the world, Lexi shares the message “to feel, and to not repress. Allow yourself to feel and not to judge yourself based on what those feelings are because there are a lot of nasty things that come from trying to deal with what happened. For me, I’m still trying to grapple with it, and it will take a lot of therapy…to go from the darkness to the light. Let those feelings flow because they are honest…they come to you honestly. And know that it’s a part of the process and eventually, a lot of those dark feelings transform into something beautiful.”

Lexi still copes with cynicism and cynicism around love. Lexi’s spouse at the time explained that she did it to her out of love. Lexi shared that “for me to accept this put me in the darkest of spaces that I had to crawl myself out of. And as there are many things that come from you as a result of what happened, it’s all a part of a longer journey…to believe that you can transcend and go beyond the darkness into the light. You and I have to believe that we can see the light. I can see the light ahead, at the end of the tunnel.”

Subscribe to Policy News

88¢ of every $1 goes to helping survivors and preventing sexual violence.

Donate Now