It wasn’t until six months later that she began to experience Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Dedeker hit a low point in her experience with the effects of PTSD, and strugged with depression and thoughts of suicide.
“It was a first for me to hit that emotional low. I knew I needed to do something and get some help.”
After having mixed experiences while looking for a therapist who was both trauma-informed and understanding of non-monogamy, Dedeker found a practitioner of somatic experiencing therapy, which she found beneficial to her healing.
“Finally being able to address what was going on in my body helped to free my voice to be able to talk about what happened.”
Dedeker’s advice to other survivors of intimate partner violence is to trust your gut.
“I wish I could have told myself, and had my younger self truly believe it, that it’s worth it to speak up when you’re first feeling like something is off. If you can tell someone you trust, who will hold you in a compassionate way, it’s worth it.”
Dedeker advises partners of survivors to have open arms.
“Hold them physically or emotionally, on a good day, a bad day, a confusing day; meet them where they’re at.”
She also encourages “compassionate curiosity.”
“Be willing to listen, to ask what is helpful to your partner, to find out what you could do differently next time a trigger comes up.”
She says it’s okay to not know what to do at first—“We aren’t given a script for this”—but that it’s important to seek an outside education and learn more.
Dedeker also finds healing in her own work. As a relationship coach and somatic experiencing practitioner in training, Dedeker has channeled her own experience into better supporting clients in abusive relationships.
“I found for the first time that sharing my own experience was something that could help my clients.”
Her work on her book and podcast also shifted after surviving abuse.
“How can I talk about being any kind of authority on relationship advice while I’m in an abusive relationship? How can I own up to having been in an abusive relationship while trying to be an expert on healthy communication?’”
Being open about her experience, however, allows Dedeker to be even more accessible and beneficial to others.
“My work before was about empowering people, especially women, that they could choose the kind of relationship they wanted to have. Empowering people to choose good relationships and leave behind bad ones.”
“What I want on a T-shirt or maybe my gravestone is the phrase ‘no jerk is worth it.’ You are worth so much more. Every single person is worth so much more than putting up with abusive behavior.”