"If anything comes from this, I want young Black men—who are not paid attention to—or any survivor, to know that they are not alone,” said Brian Johns.
Starting at the age of 5, Brian was repeatedly sexually abused by a trusted, older family member who used coercion, emotional abuse, and grooming to facilitate the abuse.
"If anything comes from this, I want young Black men to know that they are not alone.”
As often happens in cases of child sexual abuse, Brian felt afraid to tell his family or friends about the abuse because he was worried he would get in trouble or cause others to be angry. “When I was younger, I didn’t want anybody to be mad at me,” Brian explained. “I didn’t want my abuser to be mad at me.”
But Brian’s parents soon learned of the abuse when his cousin, who the same family member was also abusing, disclosed to the family.
Moving Forward from Abuse
His parents enrolled him in counseling but chose not to report the abuse to law enforcement because, at the time, Brian was not ready to disclose further. As an adult, however, he’s grateful that the disclosure to his parents happened when he was still young, explaining, “I needed it to move forward and begin my healing process.”
Brian remembered feeling ashamed after his family learned of the abuse. He couldn’t help but believe he was responsible for the emotions of those around him. Today, he reminds people that it’s okay to be angry when they learn that a loved one has been sexually abused but that it’s vital to put the survivor’s emotions and needs first.
“Don’t get so caught up in your own emotions that you forget about the person it happened to,” Brian emphasized. “When you put your rage before their healing, a survivor can end up trying to manage your emotional welfare instead of focusing on their own.”
“When you put your rage before their healing, a survivor can end up trying to manage your emotional welfare instead of focusing on their own.”
Like many men and boys who survive sexual abuse, Brian faced a specific set of challenges, including self-blame, difficulty in relationships, and concerns about sexual orientation. “I felt ashamed for years,” he acknowledged, “because not all of what I experienced was painful. When you’re exposed to such sexual activity in your formative years, it complicates so many things.”
Writing about his story has been instrumental to Brian’s healing process. He recently published his memoir, Ant in an Eggshell: The Fragile Fortitude of a Black Man, which addresses themes of sexual abuse, self-esteem, and relationships.
When Brian isn’t writing, he works as a substitute teacher and finds joy in immersing himself in art. A gifted singer, he loves all genres of music but holds a special affinity for soul music.
“Black men have the stigma attached to us to be strong, unmoving, unfeeling,” he described. “Expressing myself artistically is what I love to do. I sing, I write, I act. It’s very cathartic for me.”
Though many years have passed since Brian’s family put a stop to their son’s abuse, Brian sees healing as an ongoing journey.
“I’m on this road to wellbeing,” he said. “The fact that I keep taking each step makes me stronger.”