Forming Intimate Relationships
As a survivor of child sexual abuse (CSA), you have likely experienced some level of difficulty around creating and building relationships with intimate partners. Before we dive into ways to form these intimate relationships, it’s important to remind yourself that feeling safe with those around you is a critical part of building trust in relationships and that the foundation of any healthy relationship includes respect of boundaries and communication.
While you review this week’s content, it can be helpful to do so in a space where you can focus on being introspective and feeling emotionally safe. Regaining your ability to trust those around you and your own instincts takes time, but you are on the right path.
How does CSA affect intimate relationships?
Experiencing child sexual abuse and moving forward with relationships later in life can be hard to navigate. Oftentimes, feelings of powerlessness or a loss of control can linger, even as an adult. Because you experienced abuse when you were a child, you may be grappling with feelings of isolation and betrayal, making it harder to trust your gut feelings and those around you. For this reason, it can feel extremely overwhelming to entertain the idea of romantic relationships.
When you have decided that you might be ready to seek out a new intimate partner(s), it can be helpful to remember that there are both positive qualities and potential warning signs within any relationship. Here are some positive characteristics you can look for in your individual relationships:
- We have fun together.
- This person loves me no matter what.
- I feel encouraged to be my best self with this person.
- This relationship helps me feel safe, happy, and fulfilled.
- This relationship feels balanced.
- This person respects and honors my boundaries.
- I can be my authentic self with this person.
- Small accomplishments are noticed and celebrated.
- I feel heard and seen by this person.
- I can be silly with this person.
- I can be honest with this person
- I can have friendships outside of my partnership.
It is important to trust your instincts and what feels comfortable to you. Remind yourself that it is okay to have and enforce boundaries that feel right to you.
Also know that you are allowed to change those boundaries at any time, as you see fit. An intimate relationship should add to your life in positive ways and encourage you on your healing journey.
Establishing ground rules and your communication style
As most of us know, a critical component of a successful romantic relationship is communication. Whether you are first starting out in a new relationship or you are growing an existing one, it is important to set clear relationship and communication ground rules. These should reflect your comfort level, as well as the expectations of each partner.
Ground rules can include but are not limited to:
- Agreements for the way the partners would like to handle future disagreements.
- Any words, phrases, or comments that are upsetting and should not be used in times of arguments or disagreements (e.g., not calling each other names or making threats to end the relationship).
- Any actions that feel particularly harmful to you (e.g., yelling or leaving the room when there is a disagreement).
- Sexual ground rules that include what enthusiastic consent looks like for you and any activities that are off-limits.
As we spend large portions of our lives with another person, there are bound to be miscommunications and misunderstandings. This is normal and to be expected. However, each partner should feel respected and heard as you work through getting to know one another. Remember that a healthy relationship means that you are a team, even when you disagree.
When you are approaching a romantic relationship, it is important to be aware of your thoughts and feelings so that you can clearly communicate through any bumps along the road. When you are learning more about your communication style, it can be helpful to think through some of the following questions:
- Can I put my emotions (e.g., sadness, anger, frustration) aside in order to calmly and nicely explain what I need from my partner?
- Do I need to take a few minutes to myself before having hard conversations?
- Does it help me to write down how I am feeling so I can provide constructive feedback for my partner?
- Do I have a tendency to take someone’s words out of context?
- Do I ask for clarification when someone has hurt my feelings before jumping to conclusions?
- Can I sometimes be hurtful with my words when I am feeling stressed or upset?
The more aware we are of our possible shortcomings with our communication, the better we can anticipate and correct these tendencies. Regardless of miscommunications, partners should feel safe to express their feelings to one another and should do so in a constructive manner.
Here are a few extra tips:
- Take some time to cool down if you need it.
- Choose words that are kind and supportive
- Speak from the heart.
- Use “I feel” statements (e.g., “I feel upset when my feelings aren’t acknowledged.”)
What are Love Languages?
Just as people have different communication styles, everyone has different ways that they like to give and receive love. One way people in intimate relationships can increase their connection is to take time to understand how each partner feels most appreciated.
In general, there are five love languages:
- Words of affirmation: People with this love language feel loved when they receive praise, compliments, loving words, and verbal reassurances of affection.
- For example: “I am proud of you.” “I love how you understand me.” “You are a hard worker.” “I am thankful for how you inspire me.”
- Gifts: People with this love language feel loved when they are given things from people they love and admire.
- For example: Gifting flowers. Bringing home their favorite treat. Getting a present for a birthday. Paying for dinner.
- Quality time: People with this love language feel loved when the people they love are able to make time to spend time with them.
- For example: Spending time together without the use of technology. Fixing dinners together. Sharing stories and listening intentionally. Having date nights.
- Acts of service: People with this love language feel loved when the people they love do things for them and/or help them through action.
- For example: Going out of your way to help them with a chore in the house. Warming up their car when it's cold outside. Fixing them their favorite cup of coffee. Planning a shared vacation.
- Physical touch: People with this love language feel loved when the people they love provide physical affection and loving touches.
- For example: Giving your partner(s) a massage. Holding hands when walking around the neighborhood. Watching a movie and cuddling.
Most people have multiple ways they like to give and receive love. While many people try to give love in the same way they like to receive it (e.g., getting gifts makes me feel loved; therefore, I give gifts to others to help them feel loved), this can often be a mistake. Ironing out the details for your partner(s) love languages can avoid giving love only in the ways you like to receive love. The main intention for this is to avoid instances where someone feels like your attempts at giving love feel insincere or impersonal.
When you are forming your intimate relationships, it can be helpful to tell your potential partner(s) how you receive love and, in return, ask them how they like to receive love. Having this conversation will allow you to work toward a relationship where all parties feel loved, appreciated, valued, and respected.
Now that I’ve read all of this, what if I don’t feel ready for an intimate relationship?
You might have read through this content and realized you don’t feel ready to enter into an intimate relationship. That is 100 percent okay. Your healing journey is on whatever timetable feels comfortable for you. Intimate relationships are a valuable part of being human, but they are also an emotional investment. Taking time for yourself before entering into a relationship can be important. It is possible that you need additional time to find out more about yourself, your romantic needs, and space to heal parts of yourself that you want to understand more.
It is also normal to be overwhelmed at the idea of involving another person (or people) in your life in an intimate way, both physically and emotionally. Being able to love and honor yourself, as well as getting to know your own boundaries, may ultimately lay the foundation for you to find someone in the future to love and grow with when you are ready for it.
Week seven covered forming intimate relationships. The goal of week seven’s content is to help you think through whether or not you feel comfortable forming an intimate relationship.
Additionally, this week will help you understand your love languages, communication style, and healthy relationships. Because responses to trauma look different for everyone, there is no right way or wrong way to heal. With trauma also comes healing and resilience as you tend to your traumatic reactions with care and gentleness.
Try the “Dating Myself First” exercise to discover what matters most to you in a relationship.
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References
Davis, L. (1990). The Courage to Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. HarperCollins Publishers.
Reutter, K. (2019). The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for PTSD: Practices Exercises for Overcoming Trauma & Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Bates-Duford, T. (2019, December 25). Romantic relationships following childhood sexual abuse. Psych Central. Retrieved October 26, 2021.https://psychcentral.com/blog/ending-silence/2019/12/romantic-relationships-following-childhood-sexual-abuse#1.