Disclosing
As a survivor of child sexual abuse (CSA), you have likely experienced significant trauma. This series is designed specifically for adult CSA survivors to provide tools that will assist with your healing journey. Throughout the series, we’ll explore a number of topics and materials. It is important to begin this week’s content with a reminder that none of the following information is meant to provide a clinical diagnosis.
If you are actively in crisis and/or need more support than the information we provide in this series, we strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed mental health professional or the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
You are not alone. Support specialists are standing by 24/7.
What is disclosing?
After experiencing child sexual abuse (CSA), there often comes a time when you consider disclosing to a trusted person. Disclosing means that you are informing a trusted family member, friend, or the authorities that your abuse took place. It can be extremely hard to talk about a traumatic experience with sexual violence.
Whether you choose to disclose for the first time, months from now, or even years later, this process is very personal and is completely up to you to decide what makes you feel most comfortable.
Below, we will discuss some of the reasons for wanting to disclose and help you understand more in depth what disclosing might mean for you.
Disclosure Self-Assessment
Welcome to the disclosure self-assessment tool. We'll ask a few basic questions that are intended to walk you through important considerations while you determine whether or not you feel ready to disclose.Remember, there are no right or wrong answers, this tool is just a way for you to learn more about yourself and one way to help you decide what's best for you.
What are some of the reasons for wanting to disclose?
Telling someone that you have experienced sexual abuse is entirely up to you. Because talking about it is never easy, there is no timeline for disclosing your trauma and there is no right or wrong way to disclose.
Remember, deciding to tell your story doesn’t have to mean sharing every detail—you can decide how much or how little you are comfortable sharing with another person.
There are many different reasons why survivors choose to disclose. Below are a few reasons for wanting to disclose.
Connection
As humans, we ultimately crave and need connection to others in order to thrive in the world. Connection, companionship, and meaningful relationships that are built off of safety, trust, and love foster the support and understanding necessary to help us feel stronger emotionally and mentally.
Meaningful human connection can come from friends, family members, romantic relationships, health care professionals, and other social outlets. Investing in connection is vital after a traumatic experience.
Having a space to be held compassionately can help us learn to be gentle with ourselves as we process and heal from painful experiences.
Support Systems
Identifying support systems can be a lifeline for healing from trauma. With support systems comes connection, trust, and understanding. Support systems can include support groups specializing in helping survivors of CSA, family members, religious organizations, social organizations, and/or mentors. Mentors can help guide you, teach you, and provide you with tools for healing after trauma. Support groups focused on CSA can also become a safe space to process your experiences, especially since they offer professionals who are trained to work with CSA survivors.
Seeking help from a support group, therapist, or health care professional does not mean that you are weak; recognizing and reaching out for help is a sign of inner strength. These types of professional resources can provide you with support to aid in your emotional, physical, and mental healing journeys.
Avoiding Isolation
After surviving CSA, wanting to be alone is understandable. You may want to withdraw from others around you, but isolating yourself can ultimately slow down your healing process.
Isolation after CSA often stems from a fear of intimacy or close relationships because someone betrayed your trust when you were very young. Though it is a common reaction to CSA, it is really important to begin forming supportive bonds and finding meaningful ways to lean on others in your life.
Finding others who have similar stories
Oftentimes, survivors of CSA feel as though no one can understand their pain after what they have experienced. While everyone’s experiences are different, finding and listening to others who have similar experiences can help you feel less alone and like you have an additional source of support.
Although it may feel overwhelming at first, the act of listening to others stories and/or sharing your own story is often transformational for many.
Processing Shame
At times, you may have kept secrets or traumatic experiences to yourself for many days, months, and even years. Holding in your story and feeling silenced can become a great burden.
However, disclosing pieces of your story to those who are supportive can be a reminder that you are not to blame for what you experienced. Remember, you were only a child when this happened. You did not ask for or deserve this abuse. If you’ve been keeping secrets and holding in your truth, there may come a time when disclosing feels necessary for your mental, physical, and emotional health.
The act of disclosing may feel overwhelming at first, but can also serve as a way to release some of the negative emotions you have been holding (such as betrayal, pain, confusion, and hurt).
Questions to consider asking yourself when deciding if you are ready to disclose.
Do you feel ready to discuss your abuse with someone?
- While we might not always be 100% ready, you can always take your time with disclosure, even if you tell your story over time and only share details of your abuse that you choose.
- A safe person will always be supportive with how much you decide to tell them and will never make you share more than you want.
Does this person believe and support me?
- Have they previously believed you and supported you or did they discredit your experiences? You can think through the times that you told this person something personal in the past and how they reacted.
- It can also be helpful to create a space for you to be yourself and to speak without judgment and interruption.
Do I feel like I have to disclose or do I feel like I want to disclose?
- Try to come to a grounded place where you feel comfortable disclosing your experiences at your own pace and on your own terms.
Does this person foster compassionate responses?
- Have you previously told this person intimate details about your life? Was their response compassionate and gentle? Did you feel and sense support and kindness in their response?
What might happen if this person does not react in the way I may have thought they would?
- How might you prepare for an unsupportive response that you did not anticipate?
Tips for dealing with unsupportive reactions
We cannot always predict how someone might react to hard conversations. It is because of this that it is very important we feel ready and uncoerced to disclose. While we never feel entirely emotionally prepared for an unsupportive reaction, there are options available to you if this happens.
If someone in your life is unsupportive, that doesn’t mean that everyone will be. However, while you determine whether you’ll share your story again and to whom, we recommend that you be kind to yourself and take care of your own needs as best as you can.
Ask yourself what you are feeling and think of self-care activities that help to ground you and make you feel better. For suggestions, you can take a look at RAINN’s self-care page for some ideas.
The person you have told may not be providing the support you need, but remember that you do not have to go through this alone. To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org (y en español rainn.org/es).
Week three covered disclosing. The goal of week three’s content is to help you understand what disclosing is and have more tools to empower your decision to disclose or not to disclose.
Because responses to trauma look different for everyone, there is no right way or wrong way to heal. With trauma also comes healing and resilience as you tend to your traumatic reactions with care and gentleness.
References
Cox, C. (n.d.). Support groups: How they can help after trauma. WebMD. Retrieved October 26, 2021, from https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emotional-trauma-support-groups.
Davis, L. (1990). The Courage to Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. HarperCollins Publishers.
Matsakis, A. (1996). I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors. Raincoast Books.
Waters, L. (n.d.). Human connections and healing from trauma - united families. unitedfamilies.org. Retrieved October 26, 2021, from https://www.unitedfamilies.org/family/human-connections-and-healing-from-trauma/.