Sexual violence is deeply traumatizing, and many survivors spend their entire lives managing the fallout from the assault they experienced. The mostly invisible wounds caused by rape, abuse, and incest may never heal completely, but talking about these wounds with people you trust can help you navigate your healing journey.
So, how do you know who to tell? What to say? When and where to bring it up? Or if you should tell anyone at all?
First Things First: It’s YOUR Decision To Disclose (Or Not)
You don’t ever have to tell anyone about the assault or abuse you experienced, period. If you do decide to tell someone, we call that “disclosing.” You may want to disclose confidentially to only a few people, or you may want to shout from the rooftops that this terrible thing happened—and you survived.
The decision belongs to you alone, and you get to do whatever is best for your mind, body, and spirit.
How To Disclose: Who, What, When, & Where
Talking about sexual violence is hard, and it’s even harder if you’re disclosing a personal experience. If you want to disclose but aren’t sure where to start, these insights can help you work through your questions and concerns:
Who To Tell
Even people who know and love you deeply may not know how to respond when you share your story. Before you disclose, reflect honestly about the person or people you’re planning to talk to:
- Do you believe they will respond in a way that feels supportive to you?
- Have they been supportive and compassionate toward you at other critical times in your life?
- Have you ever heard them make judgemental remarks about survivors of sexual violence?
- Have they ever disclosed a personal experience with sexual assault or abuse?
- Do they know the perpetrator who hurt you? If so, could that relationship negatively affect how they respond to you?
YOU SHOULD KNOW:
Mandatory Reporting
People with certain jobs are considered “mandatory reporters,” and they are legally required to tell the authorities if they learn that someone under 18 or over 65 has been sexually assaulted or abused. Mandatory reporting laws typically apply to professionals such as teachers, childcare and eldercare workers, medical providers, and some religious leaders.
Explore your state’s mandatory reporting laws for children under 18 and adults over 65.
What To Say
Start with a few ground rules to help set the stage for a healthy conversation.
You can say something like, “I’d like to tell you something that’s hard for me to talk about. It would mean a lot to me if you would just listen and not ask any questions.”
No matter who you’re disclosing to, you have complete control over what you share. You can keep the details to a minimum or tell your story in full—it’s your choice.
If the person you tell isn’t sure how to respond, they may default to asking questions—maybe questions you don’t want to answer. Just because they ask doesn’t mean you have to answer. You can simply say, “I wanted to tell you this happened to me, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing any other details.”
When To Disclose
Ideally, whenever you decide to disclose, you’ll receive the other person’s complete, undivided attention. However, as you already know, life isn’t always ideal.
If you’re in crisis and need to disclose immediately but no one you know is available to listen, reach out to a RAINN support specialist. They will listen, offer resources, and even help you decide if and when to disclose to others.
You may also consider planning a time to disclose that works for the other person. Say to them, “I have something important to share with you. When is a good time for a quiet, uninterrupted conversation?”
Where To Have the Conversation
You can disclose in person, over the phone, in an email—whatever is most comfortable for you. What’s important is that you feel safe before, during, and after the conversation.
If you are disclosing face-to-face, talking in a private space is probably best—but only if you feel very confident that you’ll be heard and supported.
People can react in unexpected or uncharacteristic ways when they learn that someone they love has been harmed. You are not responsible for someone else’s reaction.
If you have decided to disclose to someone who may react angrily or violently (even if not directed toward you), we encourage you to have the conversation in a public place or in the presence of someone you trust. Your mental and physical well-being matters most.
Your Trauma & Other People’s Emotions
Disclosing requires significant vulnerability, and you deserve meaningful support when you’re in that vulnerable state. Unfortunately, your loved one may be unable to manage their emotions when they learn what you experienced.
People you tell may demonstrate anger, confusion, fear, frustration, grief, guilt, shock, or other intense emotions. Survivors sometimes feel backed into a corner, forced to provide their loved ones with the support they themselves need.
You can encourage your loved ones to process their emotions and seek their own support with RAINN.
Supportive & Unsupportive Reactions
If a loved one wants to show their support for you, they can listen non-judgmentally and say things such as:
- “I believe you.”
- “It’s not your fault.”
- “You are not alone.”
- “I’m sorry this happened.”
- “I care about you, and I’m here to listen or help however I can.”
When someone you trust gives you an unsupportive response, it can be extremely hurtful. Someone may doubt or question your story, imply that you did something to cause the assault, or suggest that you should “get over it.”
Remember that these reactions are not yours to manage and aren’t rooted in the truth. Sexual violence is only ever the fault of perpetrators.
You’ve Told Your Loved Ones—Now What?
Disclosing can exhaust you mentally and physically, so plan to invest back into yourself after disclosing. Intentional self-care is a proven way to re-regulate your mind and body—to calm the effects of revisiting your traumatic experience.
Remember: You are a whole, complex human being with countless experiences aside from sexual assault or abuse. The sexual violence you experienced does not determine your value. You were, are, and will always be worthy of love and happiness. You deserve to have fun and feel fulfilled. And in your darkest moments, you are never alone.