When someone you love discloses that they’ve experienced sexual abuse or assault, it can shake your world. You might not know what to say, what to do, or how to respond. But your presence—your care, compassion, and willingness to listen—can be a powerful part of their healing process.
There’s no perfect script for this kind of conversation. But there are proven ways to show up for survivors with empathy and respect. You don’t have to be an expert—you just have to be human.
How to T.A.L.K. with Survivors
Survivors often wrestle with whether to tell anyone what happened. Many worry they won’t be believed. Some blame themselves. Your response can either reinforce those fears—or start to undo them. That’s why it’s important to respond in a way that centers trust, validation, and choice.
Use the T.A.L.K. tip to guide your first response when someone discloses to you:
T: THANK Them for Telling You
Start by acknowledging the courage it takes to speak up. Say something like:
“Thank you for trusting me with this. That means a lot.”
A: ASK How You Can Help
Don’t assume. Let them lead. Ask:
“What would be most helpful for you right now?”
L: LISTEN Without Judgment
Your job is to believe—not to investigate. That means avoiding shock, blame, or “why” questions. Say:
- “I’m so sorry this happened. I’m here for you.”
- “It’s not your fault.”
- “I believe you.”
K: KEEP Supporting
Recovery is not linear. Survivors may revisit trauma months or years later. Continue checking in, offering kindness, and reminding them you’re still there.
What To Say
These phrases affirm a survivor’s experience and offer reassurance without pressure:
- “I believe you.” Everyone responds to traumatic events differently. The best thing you can do is to believe them.
- “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve this.” Survivors may blame themselves, especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind the survivor—as often as needed—that only the perpetrator is to blame.
- “You’re not alone. I care about you, and I’m here to help in any way I can.” Let them know that you are willing to listen to their story if they feel comfortable sharing it.
- “Thank you for sharing this with me. That took courage.” Acknowledge that the experience has affected their life in an indelible way.
- “If you want to see a doctor or talk to the police, I will go with you if that feels helpful.” Your presence may feel grounding.
What Not to Say
First, avoid steering the conversation toward your own emotions. If you need space to process what you’ve been told, do this with someone other than the survivor.
Even with good intentions, some responses can be harmful. Avoid saying things like:
- “Are you sure that’s what happened?” This may make them feel that you don’t believe them.
- “Why didn’t you fight back/report it/tell someone sooner?” Never push a survivor to report to the police or obtain a sexual assault forensic exam. Pressuring a survivor can be retraumatizing in the wake of sexual violence.
- “What were you wearing?” Don’t ask for details such as who hurt them or if they’d had anything to drink. Questions like these can make someone feel blamed for what was done to them.
- “But they seemed like such a nice person.” Seemingly nice people do terrible things every day. Just because they didn’t do it to you doesn’t mean they didn’t do it.
- “It happened so long ago; why are you still upset?” Don’t tell them that they should have gotten over it by now. There is no timeline for healing.
Provide Ongoing Support
Support doesn’t end after one conversation. Here’s how to be there in the long run:
- Check in periodically. A simple “thinking of you” text can mean the world.
- Offer presence, not pressure. Invite them to join you in shared activities—cooking, walking, watching a movie. Let them choose what feels good.
- Respect their pace. Healing is a non-linear journey—one that can last a lifetime. Don’t rush a survivor to “move on.” Sexual violence can impact a survivor for the rest of their life, with effects surfacing at various times and in many different ways.
Share Resources
You can be a great friend or family member and still not know the best way to help someone who was sexually assaulted. That’s totally normal.
If they’re open to it, consider sharing RAINN’s resources with your loved one. And if they reach out to RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline, a trained support specialist can help them find local service providers for medical, legal, and emotional support.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, heartbroken, angry, or confused when you find out someone you care about has survived sexual violence. Supporting them doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs, though. Try:
- Talking to a counselor or using RAINN’s hotline for support
- Spending time with trusted people who will hold space for you to process your feelings
- Journaling, exercising, meditating, or creating art to release your emotions
- Setting boundaries when needed to avoid burnout
Self-care isn’t selfish—it helps you keep showing up in ways that matter.
Your Support Can Make a Difference
If someone you love tells you they’ve survived sexual violence, it means they trust you. Don’t worry about having the “perfect” response. Just be there. Listen. Believe. Respect their choices. And know that, by showing up with empathy, you’re helping them take an important next step in their healing journey.
Together, we can build a world where survivors feel safe, supported, and believed—one conversation at a time.
Last updated: August 18, 2025